Your Mom goes to Law School

I'm a bad girl

2010-07-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

By which I mean, not that I am a bad person who is female, but that I'm bad at being a Girl.

Exhibit A: I hate wedding planning.

I mean, truly and deeply hate it.

I resent the notion that I should care about what kind of flowers will be in season, or that I should concentrate on a theme that ties the wedding together, or that I'm supposed to have some kind of magical epiphany when I try on The Dress. I don't feel all of these things, and I don't like being told that I'm supposed to feel something that I don't.

I'm excited about the food and the open bar. I'm looking forward to seeing some of our guests -- and no, I won't pretend that I wanted to invite all of them -- and I'm looking forward to the honeymoon. I'm trying to starve myself so I don't spend too much time obsessing over that hint of a double chin in the expensive wedding photos. As much as he doesn't want to acknowledge it, this is just as much for my fiance's benefit as for mine; he would get so sick, so quickly, of me making faces at every picture, so I'm just trying to save him the frustration. But GOD I want to eat.

I'm tired of being asked questions about the wedding. No, we don't have a registry. Not because we don't want stuff, but... well, because we don't want stuff so much as money. It's a Uniquely American Thing, this insistence on a registry. I think it's a combination of narcissism -- look at this special gift I got you -- and laziness -- returning thing is just too much trouble. My brother got married recently in another country where they have this absolutely lovely and downright sensible tradition: instead of a gift table, you have a money table, where you literally go and write a check to the couple and turn it in to a couple of their friends (obviously they must be trustworthy), who are charged with making sure the money gets to the couple. For all of our being-a-superpower-ness, there are a few things we do simply wrong in Amurica.

And I'm tired of being asked if people can bring guests. Live-in partners or serious relationships are one thing (we tried to account for most of these in the invitations, but slip-ups and knowledge gaps happen). But asking if you can bring a random date strikes me as rude and presumptuous. That random date of yours -- someone we have never met and have zero connection to, even through you, since this person isn't critical enough in your life that you're in a serious relationship with him or her -- is eating our $100-a-head meal-plus-open-bar, and taking up a seat that could have been given to one of our friends. When you have a venue with hard space limits, a budget you've broken multiple times, and a B list of people you really wish you could invite instead of, say, that distant relative who drives you nuts, you start to resent these random dates really goddamn quickly.

And and AND. I am tired. Of people. Thinking MY wedding. Is about them.

Other than the fiance, of course. He's allowed to think that every so often.

Home Work

2010-06-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

Today I have what I hope is just a nasty bout of allergies, and in conjunction with the fact that I had people over for dinner last night and have a ton of home-based crap I didn't get done over the weekend, this led me to opt to work from home for the day. As you can see, I'm quite busy at it.

Telecommuting, if I'm not mistaken, is a uniquely modern concept. It's part of that big, double-edged sword of technological connection. Many companies offer as a perk the option of telecommuting, either on a regular basis or as an occasional option. My fiance's company offers the option to regularly telecommute one day a week -- any day of the employee's choosing. His understanding is that the unwritten rule of this place is that they're open to more frequent telecommuting as long as the employee in question is getting his or her work done, which strikes me as an eminently reasonable approach.

Now, I know I certainly prefer working from home -- but does it actually make me more productive? I mean, I've pretty much admitted I intend to use at least part of the day for doing at-home projects. Is this legitimate? Am I "cheating" by not taking a day off from work when, if we're being honest, work isn't getting a full day of productivity from me?

On the other hand, am I being fair to myself? In my line of work -- and I imagine many others -- my worklife doesn't really self-limit to "office hours." I work weekends and evenings when the work requires it. I'm attached at the brain stem to my iPhone, which in turn has a connection to my work email (and, my employer has my cell phone number, a piece of information that is thankfully not abused). Even when I'm "off," I'm never really off -- not in the traditional sense. So if a piece of me is always at work, is it so unreasonable for me to occasionally detach from work ever so slightly, even if it's during "work hours"?

My generation in particular is struggling with this question, I think. On the one hand, we resent the 24/7 nature of modern work life. On the other, we relish the flexibility it grants our schedules. No longer must we put off all personal projects until the weekends. If I need to take a four-hour lunch to get my finances in order for tax season, no one bats an eye. If my hairdresser is booked solid for the weekend and I REALLY need my bangs trimmed for an event on Saturday, I just leave work a few hours early, no biggie. But the flip side of this is that I never sleep quite as soundly as I might. My time is never completely my own. Sometimes it is more mine and sometimes it is more my employer's. But I rarely if ever feel that it's completely mine. There's always something hanging over my head -- some unfinished project that I could be working on if I were more motivated. Some legal theory I could be cooking up if I were more dedicated.

And I think... I don't like it. I wouldn't like being cooped up in an office 50 hours a week either -- but I don't like this. I don't know if it's a human thing to need a clearer delineation between work and life, or if it's a me thing. Or if maybe it's even that I simply don't like my job enough. But I admit, I do wonder where we're heading as a society when someone is an outlier -- and oddball, even -- if she doesn't have the demands of others constantly encroaching on her personal life. As though she's not very important if she isn't constantly needed. I'm not that old, but I'm pretty sure things used to be, well, almost the opposite.

But this rock is so cozy!

2010-06-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

So, time will only tell if I'm "back," as in for good, or at least for long enough to matter for the internets. But I'm back today, anyway, if anyone still has me on their RSS feed or randomly stumbles onto my page via an ill-conceived Google search.

Why now? I can't point to any one reason. Partly because I've missed blogging, or at least the aspects of it that drew me to it in the first place. Partly because an old friend of mine recently started blogging and has inspired me to return to it. And partly because I've been going through some major life changes and, well, I suppose that's as good a reason as any to bare my deepest thoughts to the gods of web cache.

I stopped blogging, as you can see, just over two years ago. It was a long time coming, as my posts had gotten sparser and sparser leading up to my extended absence. In retrospect, I think I had become truly, deeply unhappy, and that unhappiness was rearing its ugly head in my writing. I have often looked back at some of my early posts on this blog (I humbly submit that those of you new to it may find the earlier posts to be more enjoyable than the more recent ones) and marveled at the difference in tone. My earlier posts were light, mildly funny, irreverent, and self-deprecating. My later posts were serious, darker, and, worst of all, angry.

I don't think of myself as an angry person. Not as an "in general" sort of descriptor. Like everyone, I get pissed off from time to time. But anger as a general state of being is not who I am. But it is who I had become by the time I last wrote a post for this blog.

After over two years in therapy, I've come to terms with many of the reasons for that anger, and I may or may not eventually decide that those are relevant for discussion here. Suffice to say, I'm happier and healthier than I've been in a while, I'm looking forward to the good things life has to offer, and fuck if I don't miss people on the internet telling me how brilliant my writing is.

So, here I am. Trying to get back into blogging. This might prove more difficult than it sounds, given that I'm getting married in two and a half months (look how I just snuck that in there!) But we're gonna give it a shot, for old times' sake.

Thanks for reading, if anyone did. Muah.

Teh video games is destroying are kids!!!11!!one!!

2008-05-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

Lulz. Apparently only boys play GTA4, and apparently Rockstar is more effective at military training than the government. I think the solution to our problem is obvious: draft those little hoodlums and put 'em to work killin' Iraqis!! I mean, duh.

Okay, for reals, the game can actually be totally socially responsible. For example, the game discourages drunk driving, because it's so freaking impossible to drive when your character's drunk. Observe.

Fucktards

2008-05-17T01:04:00.000-07:00

We're in a recession, people. You really care so much about who the people down the street are having sex with that you're going to waste millions of dollars so you can pass a law making their lives more difficult? I swear, you people spend more time thinking about gay sex than the gays do. It's like a sick obsession.

You people suck. You disgust me.

Woo hoo!

2008-05-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

Look, all I'm saying is, even if you're hesitant about the whole gay marriage thing (don't worry, you'll get used to it), if you live in California this can only be a good thing. Think about all the money that's going to pour into California's wedding industry. My state can kiss the recession goodbye!!

Whoa.

2008-05-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

People kinda suck. Shit like this is almost enough to make me run to Oregon, register to vote, and vote for Barack Obama.

Keith Olbermann, Sp.D. (Doctor of Spinification)

2008-04-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm tempted to be annoyed (given my physical inability to join the Cult Of Obama), but I simply cannot help but be impressed with the sheer brilliance of Keith Olbermann's spin-tastic take on the never-ending Primary War of '08. Here's the (kind of long) piece in case you haven't seen it:

My, Keith, but you have a flair for the dramatic. William Shatner, take note.

But aside from the compelling "gotcha!" nature of the clip, what's truly inspiring here is the intellectual sleight-of-hand taking place. Keith does two things: 1) he makes it sound like he's revealing something Hillary is trying to hide by (gasp!) repeating exactly what she has said and 2) he accuses Hillary of "spinning" facts she has not fabricated or, really, even changed, while simultaneously injecting his own "suggested" version of the facts (one that actually makes up facts).

Hillary says, like, actually with her own mouth, that she is counting Michigan and Florida in the calculation underlying her assertion that she is winning the popular vote. The unfortunate state of affairs for the Obama campaign is that, technically, she's one hundred percent accurate. More people have voted for Hillary than have voted for Obama. That's a fact. Whether or not it means anything, it's a fact, in the same way it was a fact that more people voted for Al Gore than for George Bush in 2000.

Now, granted, Hillary won't get all those votes -- and she agreed not to take all of them, and has to live with the consequences of her agreement (I don't see anything in the clip, by the way, suggesting that she is in fact trying to get out of it). But for Keith Olbermann to play this as though she's being dishonest is unfair, to say the least. And, to the extent the Obama campaign is encouraging this sort of unfairness (as they almost certainly are, given the campaign's history of brilliant strategic covert attack operations), it's outright hypocritical. How can Obama, on the one hand, argue that the leaders of the Democratic party "should" go with what "the people" have said, through their votes, they want*, and on the other hand, fault Hillary for pointing out that "the people" want her? In other words, how can Obama say, on the one hand, "we should alter the rules of the nomination game so that all of the superdelegates vote for me," while saying on the other, "we should not alter the rules of the nomination game if it would give Hillary more votes"?

This is sophistry at its finest. The rules of the game are this: the superdelegates vote for whomever the hell they want to. If all of them go with Hillary and she overcomes Obama's pledged delegate lead, guess what? It's in the rules. Live with it. And, frankly, the pledged delegate argument has always struck me as a pretty bad one, anyway. Obama wouldn't actually be pointing to the "popular vote," but rather to the popular vote that "counts" according to party rules. Which is perfectly fine. Except that if you're going to invoke "the will of the people," rules or no rules, it's a bit uncomfortable to simultaneously take the position that all votes are equal, but some votes are more equal than others.

Back to Keith: my favorite part of this clip is where he blasts Hillary for "spinning" the facts by laying out explicitly how she reached her conclusion, and then proceeds to argue in the alternative that Hillary is factually incorrect because, in essence, if things were fair, Obama "would" get votes he didn't get in Michigan. Let me get this straight: Hillary is bad because she has stated the truthful fact that more people have voted for her. Keith Olbermann is good for making a related argument based on a nonexistent fact.

See, this is why I got out of politics.

* To be fair, it appears Obama may have backed off and begun softening his insistence that the superdelegates follow the pledged delegates.

An Easter Penguin

2008-03-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

I decided that I would give myself Easter weekend off. Completely, one hundred percent off. I did check my BlackBerry, but not before promising myself that if I was asked to do anything, my response would be "it's Easter. See you Monday." Fortunately, I ended up not having to piss off my boss to enjoy the weekend.

SO. Given that I've actually set aside this whole big chunk of time for myself, I finally -- finally -- had time to finish Bianca Reagan's entertaining first outing in the world of published fiction (not counting the fictional aspects of her blog, which is a different sort of publishing). Bianca -- whose real name is Mahlena-Rae Johnson -- has taken the path of the true entrepreneur and self-published her first book. Boy, I admire this woman's guts. I'm scared to even submit a short story to a college magazine, and here she goes publishing her own whole book. Sheesh!

The book, which, like her blog, is titled Steve the Penguin, is set in the not-too-distant future, where we're not quite told that Hillary Clinton has won the election (possibly (?) with Barack Obama as her vice president -- oh, Mahlena, I do love your optimism :)), and, more importantly, where our heroine, Bianca Reagan Erin-Dempsey, is about to attend her ten-year high school reunion. Fraught with mixed emotions, Bianca tries to simultaneously juggle her demanding career working for a programming VP at a small entertainment company, a friend going through a difficult divorce, the requisite drama of visiting family you haven't lived with in years, and the most hand-wringing of all: the prospect of facing her high school crush.

Mahlena captures the stress and self-doubt I think most of us feel at the prospect of facing people we haven't seen in years, and thereby facing a version of ourselves we haven't seen in years. Have we improved? Have we stagnated? Have we grown up? Have we gotten old? Have we abandoned our hopes? Have we fulfilled them? Bianca reflects on her years as an argumentative, unpopular teen and realizes that, for some reason, she now cares what these people think of her. She hopes to impress them -- and perhaps to erase some of the sting of the rejection she, like the vast majority of us, faced in high school.

The book's tone is informal and conversational, which makes it an easy read -- and much moreso if you're relatively "up" on pop culture. As is fitting for a book about a woman enmeshed in the entertainment industry, a healthy familiarity with that industry will add to the book's resonance, as the book is liberally sprinkled with pop culture references. In fact, the title itself is a pop culture reference -- or, rather, two pop culture references tied together.

The book also has a thing or two to say about stereotypes and assumptions. Bianca, herself a victim of many such careless stereotypes, comes to realize that everyone deserves a fair shake -- including those she herself might have prejudged. Although not a new lesson, it's one that bears repeating. Through the experience of her high school reunion, and subsequent return home, we see Bianca's evolution from awkward high schooler to a more confident, hopeful version of her teenage self.

Steve the Penguin is something of a reverse fish-out-of-water story. Bianca seems more at ease with the life she has chosen for herself, in Los Angeles, than with her former life on the small island of St. Thomas. The intrigue, and the action, focuses on how she reconciles the two, and makes peace with her own childhood. I won't spoil anything, but I will note that one of the last few scenes seemed reminiscent of one of my favorite guilty pleasures, Bridget Jones' Diary.

The end leaves open a few plot points I found myself wishing were resolved. When I turned the last page, though, I realized I need not fear: a sequel is already in the works. And I feel like I kind of have to read anything titled Hot Penguin Action.

I highly recommend checking out Mahlena's book -- and Bianca's blog, which is full of musings about all things political and cultural -- some serious, some irreverent, and some completely hilarious.

Oh, Los Angeles

2008-03-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

Or maybe it's Starbucks I should be blaming. Or probably a combination of the two.

Anyway, every time I order a drink, at least one thing gets screwed up. I ask for nonfat milk, they give me 2%. I ask for two shots, they give me one. I ask for flavoring, they don't give me anything. Most recently, I asked for whipped cream and got a naked drink.

Now, look. Okay. I "get" that when someone asks for nonfat milk in her drink it's a somewhat reasonable assumption that she's doing it because she wants to watch her calories or something. The problem is, this isn't really true for me. I mean, I watch my calories and factor them into my decisions about what to eat each day, but my choice of nonfat milk for my lattes has much more to do with the fact that I've been drinking skim milk for over a decade now, and anything else tastes like pure cream to me. 2% milk in a latte makes me feel like I am drinking a dessert.

So when I ask for whipped cream, it's because I want whipped cream on my drink (on it, not in it), not because I'm actually so stupid that I don't understand that putting fatty, high-calorie whipped cream on my drink will more than make up for any calories saved by foregoing the 2%. But, this being LA and all, and me being healthy instead of skelatal and all, how could I possibly care about anything besides calories? A fatass like me really ought to watch what she puts in her body. I mean.

The Popularity of Hope

2008-02-21T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'll never be popular. But at least, if and when the United States is overswept with some horrific social philosophy calling for, say, the ritualistic murder of red-headed children of Ukranian descent born on the full moon, I'll be one of the martyrs instead of one of the conspirators. Um, yay.

I've never been "normal." I've always liked Sci-Fi (which is bad enough for boys -- I can personally assure you that it's really unacceptable for girls). I never had great fashion sense. I have never, ever cared one whit about brand names. I think MTV and reality television shows are boring beyond boring. I do not understand Dane Cook's appeal, and I never will. I was using computers long before it was cool. (In fact, I was one of the few who joined the first-ever online networking site -- pre-AOL, let alone Friendster, MySpace, or Facebook). I didn't particularly like Britney when she seemed relatively normal, but now that she's so screwed up I feel sympathy for her (unlike those who love nothing more than kicking a girl when she's down). I was loud when I was supposed to be quiet, and bored when I was supposed to be interested. I was homeschooled. I was not remotely popular, ever, as a kid.

So it really shouldn't come as a surprise that, once again, the ocean is flowing one way and I'm facing the other thinking "what the fuck?" To what am I referring? Why, the U.S. presidential race, of course.

Now, here's the thing that really kinda gets me: I was a trendsetter here. I liked Obama before it was "cool" to like him. I liked him when he was an underdog with beautiful ideas and inspiring speeches. I liked him before will.i.am probably even knew who the fuck he was. Nothing's particularly changed since then... so why am I so goddamn sick of the Obama love orgy? Shouldn't I like the fact that people recognize and value character (or at least, apparent character) in a politician? Shouldn't I be glad that we might actually have a black president?? I mean, aside from political differences (an issue with every politician, in spades), how AMAZING would that be.

And yet. I just. Ugh. I can't feel it anymore. I can't get into it. I watched the video the other day and by the time it was over I was feeling pretty emotional... about the fact that apparently I'm the only person in my generation who doesn't "get" how "important" it is elect someone with such a message of hope. Is it because I disagree with the message? Of course not. And I really, really love how even-handed he's been, as a general rule, throughout his campaign (although, sadly, I cannot say the same for many of his supporters*). Is it because I don't like his policies? Well, they certainly aren't ideal from my quasi-libertarian perspective, but they're far from the worst in this election. In the past I have certainly supported candidates with whom I've had at least as much disagreement.

I worry that it may be some bizarre, vaguely misanthropic distrust of mass support and popularity,** with a bit of a thing for underdogs thrown in, brought on by the fact that the people that everyone flocked to when I was younger were: 1) not me, 2) not my friends, and, most importantly, 3) complete tools.

Because... I can definitely get behind an idea that lots of people support. If the situation were simply that Obama was winning all the states, without some powerful, emotionally-grounded mass movement driven by college students and celebrity musicians, I think I'd feel a lot less wary of it. Even though I'd likely still suspect that a lot of the support was based on platitudes rather than pragmatism, at least I wouldn't have people screaming in my face constantly about how I have to vote for Obama if I believe in hope.

I went into this election season discouraged -- as usual, not a single legitimate, consistent, rational libertarian-leaning candidate out there (no, Ron Paul does not count). I'm afraid I may end it even more discouraged that I belong to a generation of lemmings (and, to be clear, I'm certainly not suggesting that all of Obama's supporters aren't thinking and researching for themselves -- but I am suggesting that many of them aren't).

*Don't even get me started on the rampant sexism this campaign season. Yes, there's definitely been a heaping dose of equally-ugly racism too, but not at the level of hecklers yelling at Obama that he should get back to the plantation (compare, e.g., "Iron my shirt!"),*a and, perhaps more importantly, not en masse from Hillary supporters -- very little aggravates me more than supposedly progressive sexists. At least from the right wingers (even the nice ones are generally benevolent sexists, which is less emotionally offensive but no less limiting) I expect it.

*a That said, if I have to listen to another person talk about how Obama wants to turn us all into Muslims and anti-white Christians simultaneously (how this is possible, I have no idea), I may just march up to the local Democratic party headquarters and demand that an extra vote be added for Obama's name, just to spite the racist asshole.

**And it probably doesn't help that my favorite subgenre -- the only type of book, other than caustically sarcastic humor, that I could honestly say I regularly find myself reading "voraciously" -- is dystopian fiction. I need to remind myself that just because everyone loves Obama doesn't mean he's Big Brother.

I hope.

I'll be ready

2008-02-21T00:34:00.000-08:00

Your Score: You Made It!

You scored 91% smarts, 69%

balls, 82% dumb luck!

You're pretty brave and know where to go, but if it weren't for that 120-watt bulb on top, you'd be Zombie Chow.

Link: The Super Zombie Survival Test
OkCupid

Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T07:44:00.001-08:00

Don't forget to vote today (that is, if you're in one of the important states. Bwahahaha!)

I almost wish I were going to a watch party like back in my active political days. Almost.

Fear not, faithful readers

2008-01-31T23:57:00.000-08:00

I shall return shortly. And I didn't want to let there be two entire months in which I posted nothing.

Okay.

2007-11-23T10:17:00.000-08:00

It is officially Christmas season. Which means I am allowed to listen to Christmas music and wear Santa earrings and people can no longer look at me like I'm crazy.

The strike

2007-11-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

You know, I have to say -- the strike support videos that have been going up on YouTube and other places are a lot more entertaining than like, I dunno, 70%, 80% of what's actually on TV (and with all the reality shows in store for us, we can expect it all to go downhill from here).

Anyway, here's one I thought was pretty funny. It's by the Daily Show writers.

Incidentally, and I have probably asked this before, am I the only one with a huge crush on John Oliver?

Question for the guys

2007-11-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm curious: How often, if ever, are you mistaken for a woman on the internets?

IIIIIIIIIII would just like to say

2007-11-16T23:00:00.000-08:00

Crushes suck. I hate having them. They are the invention of Satan himself.

Good luck!!!

2007-11-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to anyone waiting on CA bar results today. Once again, the last state in line...

Good luck, you guys!!

Quiet! A whale is in trouble -- I have to go!

2007-11-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

What a difference seven years can make.

Last night was one of the best episodes of 30 Rock yet -- due in no small part to a distinguished guest star (who has also previously lent his voice to Futurama, with a repeat performance in the upcoming movie).

Of course, I could've told you that he was cool deep down, decades ago. He and I go way back.

Okay, Sarah

2007-11-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

I am saddened :(

How is my candidate going to campaign if his show is stuck in reruns? Stephen, come back to me!!

I saw the picketers at Fox this morning driving to work. I honked at them to show support (not because I'm a bleeding heart, but because I understand that, objectively speaking, as a group they are a million times better than the crappy scabs they'll get to write replacement shows, which will inevitably suck). I hope they reach an agreement before they cancel the next season of Lost due to lack of scripts!!! I plan to boycott "reality" "television."

Disappointing

2007-10-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I had dinner in Santa Monica with a friend. We were seated at a bar with empty chairs next to us and at one point during our get-together a thirty-something guy sat down near us and struck up a conversation. We chatted with him for a bit before I made the mistake of using the word "exploit" in a sentence and he pounced: "Are you a feminist?" Unfazed and unashamed, I smiled and answered that I was (my friend does not consider herself a feminist because "feminists think all women should have to work." Sigh). Then came the typical thinly veiled hostility, the ungentlemanly remarks about my and my friend's bodies (superficially complimentary, but completely rude and obviously meant to antagonize), the totally inappropriate topics of conversation. Etc., etc. Pretty much the same thing that happens every time I talk to a guy who comes to realize I'm not a typical pretty ditzy LA girl, but I actually have a brain and not only do I know how to use it, I will use it to run circles around them if they can't keep up. I found the conversation somewhat entertaining, because usually these guys end up digging their own holes. By the end of dinner, he was suggesting that my friend and I come to his place for a wine tasting, noting how "romantic" his place was. Riiiiight. Thanks but no thanks, buddy.

Anyway, we left and I was still giggling at the absurdity of the conversation. My friend was laughing a bit too, but she was decidedly more shocked than I was. As we drove away from the restaurant, she talked about how unbelievable this guy was, how he had seemed cool and normal at first but he had acted completely rude, etc., and she'd never seen a guy act so badly in so many different ways before. I shrugged -- it actually seemed to me like a fairly typical conversation with a random barfly who wasn't worth our time. I mean, this is why I almost never date -- they're virtually all like this*, so what's the point?

And then it hit me. I always figured guys responded a little bit differently to me because I'm smart and outspoken, etc. But my friend is smart too, and she's no wallflower, and yet this guy's behavior surprised her. The realization dawned on me that men treat me disrespectfully because I have the audacity to insist on equality. To these neanderthals, I'm not an equal they can have a beer with and shoot the shit with and complain about their jobs with. I'm a little girl insisting that she be allowed to drive Daddy's car. And when they realize I won't back down from my unreasonable demands, they get nasty. It's like they're challenging me, competing with me, trying to beat me for the sake of putting me in my place. Showing me that I'm different from them and therefore not equal. (To be clear, I'm not suggesting this is their conscious intent, since I don't think most of them are smart enough to consciously intend it.)

I never realized how very different I was treated from other, non-uppity women, until a non-uppity woman witnessed the rudeness with which I'm consistently greeted by men and expressed how unusual it seemed to her.

Man, talk about paradigm-shifting.

* There are, of course, exceptions. Like my boyfriend Andy Samberg.

Woo Hoo!

2007-09-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons starting out the season with Stephen Colbert is a very good sign.

Also, Oreo dessert pizza?????

I can admit when I'm wrong

2007-09-17T22:40:00.001-07:00

I finally got around to watching Casino Royale tonight.

I take back every bad thing I ever said about Daniel Craig. Holy FUCK. I mean. HOLY. FUCK. He is THE sexiest James Bond ever. Yes, you read that right. THE sexiest.

I'm a little out of breath. I was going to post a picture, but a picture just doesn't do him justice (which is why I'm going to allow myself a "you-can't-tell-from-the-picture!" excuse for my earlier stupidity). I might watch the movie again tonight. Hot damn.

In which our intrepid blogger streams her consciousness

2007-09-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

My POS computer broke. I got back from vacation this week and it worked for two hours, then it stopped working. I thought this was strange but figured it was one of the computer's many stubborn brain farts and turned it off, waited a few minutes, and turned it on again. But then Windows wouldn't start. Turns out the hard drive is broken. This is not the first time this has happened to me. My POS laptop (which I have roused from hibernation to satiate my internet addiction) did the exact same thing toward the beginning of my 3L year. I have to admit, that time was worse than this time; I had class notes on my laptop, which were irreplaceable if they were lost. I called Dell and was informed that the only way to retrieve my data was to send the hard drive to a data recovery service who would charge me $2,000 to get my data. I almost cried out of frustration and rage. I did not take Dell up on its extortionist suggestion. Instead, I took the hard drive home with me over Thanksgiving break. Dad asked a computer-savvy acquaintance to see what could be done and he was able to get the data off with almost no problem whatsoever. I know for a fact it cost nowhere in the same universe as 2K. Dell assholes.

Anyway, fortunately my computer is still covered by the Best Buy service plan I wisely invested in when I bought it almost two years ago. I took it in to the Geek Squad and the repairs will all be free. The data recovery, however, is another story. And, yes, I do have an external hard drive and, yes, I *did* try to back up my files, but at some point the POS computer, which *Best Buy* sold me, stopped recognizing the external hard drive, no matter how many times I tried to reinstall it. Notwithstanding any of the foregoing, Best Buy's philistine policy is not to cover data recovery under its service plans. Even though data recovery is likely the least expensive of the services it could provide, it's also the most lucrative. People will pay ridiculous amounts of money to recover lost data. A computer's just a computer. But pictures, movies, important documents -- these are priceless. I braced myself for a number that would set off a conniption fit, and was pleasantly surprised when informed it would cost only $160. The Geek Squad employee cautioned that there was a chance they could not recover the data, in which case I would still be charged $60 for the attempt. Well, these are amounts I am willing to fork over for pictures of my dead dog and music and videos I would otherwise have to convince Apple to re-send to me, which would take hours upon hours upon hours. So I gladly agreed as the employee assured me that, given that he was able to access the setup screen, it was quite likely that the data was recoverable.

So you can imagine my chagrin when Best Buy called me yesterday to explain they were unable to recover the data -- OH, but if I wanted, I could send it to a Geek Squad group in Santa Monica who had "better software" that would probably be able to get the data that the store I'd gone to "couldn't"! Well, how much would that cost? At least $500, and possibly $1600, if my hard drive is damaged badly enough.

I smell a scam. I wonder how many other people are told that Best Buy local is "unable" to recover data (after getting the nonrefundable $60 deposit) and directed to the more expensive store?

Fuck you, Best Buy. I am asking my computer genius friend to see what he can do, and HE'LL get my data for beer and pizza (actually, he'd do it for free, but I'm happy to buy him the beer and pizza for his trouble). Lying cheating asshole bastard extortionists.

On a lighter note, apparently I am a man. According to SparkLife's gender test, that is. Now, I've scored "man" every time I have taken their test (and, no, I didn't memorize the test and intentionally try to score "man." I couldn't even remember the questions, and I think some of them have probably changed). But when recording my score, I was informed that this new score was even MORE manly than my previous score. In other words, it appears that being a practicing attorney for two years has made me more "manly," or has made me think more "like a man," or something. Very, very interesting.

Also interesting: perusing my archives, I see that I used to be a much better, much more entertaining writer before I stopped having a life. I'm not positing a link, I am just drawing attention to two things I noticed today. This one makes me very, very sad.

Finally, I've learned that I have some important decisions to make in the next year, and I'm completely at a loss as to how to make them. So, those of you who are the praying type, prayers are appreciated.

YES.

2007-08-25T21:50:00.000-07:00

Two things. First off, I got bangs. I have never before in my life had bangs, so I was very nervous about it. Fortunately, my hairdresser is fab. She's also a great colorist -- I am loving the red (which I got retouched but have had since May).

Second. I love the internets. You can find the coolest, most nostalgic things you thought you'd never be able to find. I don't know why a game about economics was so enticing to my six-year-old self, but for some reason it was.

Pop! There goes my cherry!

2007-08-09T21:58:00.001-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, last night something AMAZING happened to me. Something people try to describe to you, but that you don't really understand completely until it's happened to you. Something some people have gotten so used to that it barely even registers anymore.

That's right. Last night, I lost my earthquake virginity.

It hit about 1 a.m. It wasn't huge -- about 4.5 -- but it was big enough to be felt all through the city. It roused me out of REM sleep, I think, because it felt to me like there were two earthquakes -- a big one and a small one -- when I think what actually happened is, in my dream there was an earthquake, and then I woke up to the real one that was causing my dream (though it felt like it was much later). The first thing I remember is praying like crazy that my ceiling wouldn't cave in. My heart didn't stop pounding for a full ten minutes afterwards. I realized right away that it was an earthquake, but by the time it was over, the adrenaline had already kicked in and I couldn't get back to sleep. Then, randomly, I was obsessed with the conviction that someone was IN my apartment, and I lay in bed in an incredibly uncomfortable position for a full fifteen minutes before moving, absolutely convinced that if I made a sound the stranger in the living room would hear it and come into my room and kill me. Interesting what a minor traumatic event in the middle of a deep sleep can do to a person.

I think they've been saying for about fifty years now that The Big One is about to hit. Presumably they mean the One that will turn Los Angeles into an autonomous collective off the coast of Baker. I'm actually okay with that. Assuming I survive the initial quake, I'm totally cool with separating my city's own particular brand of crazy from the different kind of crazy that inhabits the rest of the country. Ooo, and I bet there are more fish farther out in the Pacific. Which means more sushi. Mmmmmmmm sushi...

Will Ferrell meets Pyramid Head

2007-07-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

The few video game nerds who read my blog might appreciate this.

HT: my brother

The Secretx8

2007-07-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, Andy tagged me, so I guess I need to do this. I'm supposed to tell you eight secret-type things about myself. I say "secret-type" because I don't tell real secrets. Seriously, I'm like the best secret-keeper ever. People tell me their secrets all the time and I've never told them to anyone. And that's only SOMETIMES because when they told me the secret I was drunk and now I just plain can't remember it.

Actually, now that I think about it, I think I've done this one before. Oh well. I'll try not to repeat myself.

1. I've never seen any of the Godfather movies. Worse still, I once tried watching the first one, and I found it boring so I stopped watching it. So there you have it. Go ahead and throw your stones at the computer screen, or whatever.

2. Along the movie lines, I hate romantic comedies. Sorry. I just do. There's seriously like four plots floating around out there, and I've seen all of them about a dozen times each. That's more than enough.

3. In a remarkable stroke of immaturity/inability to move beyond the past, there are a few things about law school that, to this day, still make me irrationally bitter and angry.

4. I'm a very nice drunk. This actually isn't much of a secret, considering how many people have seen me drunk.

5. I have friends who still think I'm a virgin (it happens when you grow up in God City, USA). I remember being back home a couple years ago and having dinner with a few friends from back in the day, one of whom had recently gotten married. He was telling us the story of how he and his wife met and ended up getting married, etc. At one point the other two friends were engaged in a side conversation, and he leaned in and whispered to me: "Sex is great. Seriously, it was so worth waiting" and gave me a knowing look. I just smiled at him and thought "awww, that's so cute."

6. I went to my first sci-fi convention-type event last month. I've been a total sci-fi nerd/geek (although I cannot get a handle on which one is the correct word) for more than half my life now, so I guess it was about time. It was pretty cool, actually, and really more of a wading pool in the water park of sci-fi gatherings. It was billed as an "all-access" event that I think was essentially a pre-Emmy publicity event to which they opted to invite plain old fans as well as the press. Pretty awesome of them, actually. The coolest part? I got to shake hands with the great Edward James Olmos.

7. I have an escape plan for when the zombies attack. Mark my words, they are coming.

8. One night when I was waiting tables in college, one of my professors came into the restaurant on a date with another professor. I was totally oblivious and figured, oh, they're just two colleagues having a drink together. Apparently either I'm an idiot or my professor had verbal diarrhea, because he stopped me at one point while I was walking past and gave the creepiest speech I've ever heard to justify the fact that, unbeknownst to me, I'd just caught him with the woman who was currently breaking up his marriage, which was not yet finally dissolved. Yeah... I so needed to know that.

I would tag people, but I've been so bad about blogging that I'm not even sure who bothers checking this thing anymore. So -- if you read my blog, and haven't already done this one, consider yourself tagged. And please leave me a comment letting me know you're doing it, so I can hop over and take a look at your deep dark secrets ;)

This post is actually important

2007-07-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

Taking a brief break from my usual snark and cynicism.

There's a little girl in North Carolina named Emma. She's three and a half, adorable and sunny and precocious. Her mom, Jamie, was abandoned by a total louse of a husband a short while ago, but Jamie and Emma and have found comfort and strength in each other.

I'm sad to report that Emma is very, very ill. The two of them returned from a vacation and Emma was having seizures and quickly developed a fever that was unresponsive to the Tylenol and Motrin prescribed by doctors. Emma has lapsed into a coma and they're still not one hundred percent sure what is causing it, but they suspect encephalitis. They're worried that even if she recovers there may be brain damage.

I know Jamie through a friend who has asked me to pray for her, which I'm doing. I thought I would pass along her story in case any of you are the praying type. Whatever prayers or good thoughts you can send their way, I'm sure Jamie and Emma will appreciate it very much.

This explains so much

2007-07-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

Text message conversation with Mom tonight:

Me: Bleargh

Mom: You don't say.

Me: I do. I might die from stress tonight. Make sure everyone says nice things about me at my funeral.

Mom: You can count on me.

Dude, FUCK THAT SHIT

2007-06-28T23:55:00.001-07:00

According to some, this blog has only a PG-13 rating.

Spoken like someone who's never actually read it.

::fumes::

Update: There we go, I guess that fixed it.

On a happier note

2007-06-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

Following a fit of creativity (i.e., copycatting), I present my latest creation: lolcujo.

Okay, this was pretty cute

2007-06-24T18:19:00.000-07:00

Seen driving to church:

I was amused.

Nope, not dead.

2007-06-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

Just in a funk. Dunno if it's reverse SAD or what, but I just have not felt like blogging lately. Which is a shame, really, 'cause some cool stuff has been going on... maybe I'll get back into it eventually. Anyway, thanks for sticking around to see if I do.

I never should have doubted...

2007-05-24T21:12:00.001-07:00

Finally finished watching the Lost season finale and all I can say is... WOW. Easily puts Heroes to shame and more than makes up for a lackluster season.

Lost, you and I are officially back on.*

* However, I am pissed at you for pulling a BSG and staying off air until frakkin' January 08. Dammit dammit dammit.

Warning: Heroes quasi-spoilers!!!

2007-05-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

The season finale: in a word, disappointing.

In fairness, it would have been almost impossible not to be. The season finale for a show this good is bound to be anticlimactic, just because there's too much going on to satisfactorily wrap it up in 42 minutes. Even if the finale had been two hours, it would have been pretty damn tough to pull off.

My chief complaint is that the finale turned Peter Petrelli, the most powerful human being in the universe, into a whiny, wussy flake who can't even muster the strength to use just one of his kickass superpowers in the non-showdown with Sylar. I watched the previews and I expected action, dammit. What happened to the cool, angry, powerful Peter Petrelli from "Five Years Gone" (the future episode)? I wanna see that fight again. Hmmm, maybe I still have the episode on TiVo. That was a really good episode.

BUT I'll backtrack a little bit. It's only the first season... if they pull out all the stops now, there'll be no reason to return to watch the second season (or the third, the fourth, etc.) Obviously neither Peter nor Sylar is dead (for that matter, I don't think Nathan is, either, and not JUST because I caught the tail end of a radio interview with Adrian Pasdar this morning and it sure did sound like he was planning to be on the show next season). So we will get our Final Showdown eventually. In like seven years.

But still. Is it so much to ask that he do a little more than just punch Sylar? I mean, come on. It doesn't have to be Neo versus Agent Smith, but something a little less Street Fighter would have been nice.

As a side note: what's up with Hiro's sudden apparent reluctance to stop time? Is it harder for him than teleportation?

Oh yeah, and Matt Parkman is a frakkin' idiot.

Tinky Winky, please try not to smile so much

2007-05-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Jerry Falwell has died.

The gays and abortionists are behind this one, I know it.

My inner geek is spazzing out!!!

2007-05-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

In spite of the fact that it is 9 PM and I still have AT LEAST two hours of work ahead of me...

In spite of the fact that tomorrow morning I have to attend a hearing over an hour outside of Los Angeles... at 8 AM...

In spite of the fact that I worked so nonstop today I forgot how hungry I was until I nearly passed out in boxing class...

In spite of the fact that I inexplicably have a nosebleed...

Today is a good day :D

Man I love good news.

Only like the coolest thing EVER

2007-05-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Steven Seagal has an energy drink.

The world seems just a little brighter.

Where brain go?

2007-04-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

In case you hadn't noticed, I have a killer case of writer's block.

Hopefully I will think of something interesting to post soon.

Maybe I'll put up a YouTube video of Cujo acting crazy. That dog does some hilarious shit.

Wimmins beware!

2007-04-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

I can't really call this gloating, because I'm fucking pissed.*

But for what it's worth, I called it.

* Symbolically. I won't pretend to understand the medical mechanics of this particular procedure, which admittedly sounds pretty nasty -- although I did see someone on another blog remark that pretty much every woman who does this, does it because her doctor informs her she needs to for her health, and many (most?) of these women wanted the babies, and some would like an intact corpse to say goodbye to (in addition to the fact that it appears this procedure is sometimes safer for women than the alternatives). Interesting perspective. Anyway, putting all that aside, I've come to the conclusion that the primary reason for this legislation was to chip away at women's rights. And I am simply NOT okay with that, for reasons that ought to be more obvious than the sun.

Oh come on

2007-04-14T15:12:00.000-07:00

Chicago beat Los Angeles for the US 2016 Olympic bid??? Are you frakking kidding me???

Don't get me wrong -- I love Chicago. I loved living there, I love the city, I love visiting whenever I get the chance. But it's a terrible choice for the summer Olympics. Especially when Los Angeles was in the running.

Seriously, people. Such a bad decision. Chicago is miserable and muggy and gross and disgusting in the summer. I remember how horrible it was just walking a block to the grocery store -- the humidity would bloat me so much I could barely fit into my clothes some days. It was so humid and miserable on my graduation day it nearly killed me.

They actually think athletes are going to perform at the top of their game in that kind of weather? Come on. Those people will melt in the sun. It will be the most boring Olympics ever. Here in Los Angeles, we have those awesome Santa Ana winds to cool you off, not to mention our dry, deserty lack of moisture. A much better choice for summer Olympics.

Sorry, Chicago. You're right in so many other ways, but you and the Olympics were not meant to be together.

Random pet peeve of the day

2007-04-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

People who call me at an hour when I'm clearly at work.

In case you were wondering, no, your random "hey, how's it going? Just wanted to chat" call is not important enough to interrupt work.

Um. Although blogging occasionally is :0)

Spring cleaning

2007-04-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

My life is a mess.

Meaning literally. Not figuratively.

Old mail and other papers (hopefully none of it important) is strewn all over my apartment. On my computer desk, on the hall table, on the kitchen counter, on my vanity, on my nightstand. Clean laundry folded but not properly put away. Dirty laundry just sitting there, and me too lazy to get off my ass and clean it. Random bits of dirt in the carpet (don't even want to THINK how long it's been since I vacuumed). Clothes that won't fit in my closet (and a closet with a broken bar for hanging clothes). A. Mess.

So for probably the first time ever, I'm really, REALLY motivated to clean. Not just the, make-everything-shiny-and-hide-the-shit-you-can't-get-rid-of clean. Actual, go-through-my-stuff-and-really-get-rid-of-the-shit-I-don't-need clean. I'm really gonna do it.

To motivate myself, I've taken "before" photos of everything ("after" photos to be taken later). If I'm feeling brave, I might post them after this weeks-long ordeal is finished. For now, leave it to your imaginations what a pigsty my apartment must be.

As part of my "cleaning" I'm also trying to "clean up" physically. Since law school I really let myself go... gained some weight, exercised less and less, started eating crap again. Well, no more. I'm going to try to get to the gym for at least a half an hour, at least four times a week. So far I'm ahead for this week, but the real question is whether I can keep this motivation going long enough to get in shape for binikni season*!

*Yes, binikni. It's the latest trend, see:

Fuck you, Steve Jobs

2007-04-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

Look.

All I'm saying is, there's nothing wrong or illegal or troubling about me wanting to watch season 3 of Battlestar Galactica from the comfort of my couch, on my actual TV, rather than hunched in front of my computer.

And yet iTunes, in its wisdom, has decided to make it impossible for people who spend hundreds of dollars a year on Apple products to actually enjoy those products in any manner that doesn't involve, um, purchasing more Apple products. Or something.

It's really fucked up that you won't let me watch something I purchased from you unless I do it your way. Twenty-something years ago people like you tried to ban VCRs, and you all got a resounding bitch-slap from the Supreme Court (back in the days when it worked right).

I'm not going to buy a damn video iPod for the sole purpose of hooking it up to my TV so I can watch a show I've already bought. And when you, Google, and China take over the world, I'll still hate you.

Thank God for my laptop. I don't get the TV part, but at least I can have the couch. Asshole.

Fear not, fellow Man-Haters(TM)!

2007-04-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

Your Man-HatingTM Queen has returned for more Hatin' on Teh Menz!

I just got back from an awesome nine-day-long ~~rest-and-relaxation visit back home~~ Man-HatingTM Spree!

My first act of Man-HatingTM involved staying up late to chat with my mom and ~~dad~~ a patriarchal asswipe with whom she conceived me, though I usually pretend not to know ~~him~~ it. It sure was fun, filling them in on the details of how I'm doing exciting work in the career I've worked hard to succeed in because ~~I'm ambitious and driven and would ultimately, someday, like to achieve some good in the world~~ I Hate MenTM!!

This was followed up later in the week with a ~~massage~~ selfish Man-HatingTM act of slut-tastic relaxation in which I allowed someone not my husband to touch my body in a manner that pleased me. Then Mom and I ~~met up with one of my old college professors for dinner~~ Hated MenTM by purchasing food, for ourselves, with money we made working Man-HatingTM jobs. We also made sure to tart it up like the slutty little Man-HatersTM we are by wearing bright, attractive clothing.

I also spent some time hanging out with my brother watching Season 2 of my latest TV obsession, Battlestar Galactica plotting ways to overtake the man-pigs in my "family" and turn them into my man-slaves, as is the secret ambition of all Man-HatersTM like myself.

Of course, I also attended services at the church where I was confirmed six years ago, because even though I may not always agree with the rector's politics, I respect and like him and many other members of the church, and I think that my common faith with them can in many circumstances (e.g., Sunday services) transcend our real and important differences plotted the subversion and ultimate destruction of Christianity because I Hate MenTM, and God is a man, so I hate God.

The highlight of my trip was getting to visit with my sister, a fellow Man-Hating FeminaziTM, and meeting her ~~new boyfriend, with whom she's planning a trip to visit me next month~~ oblivious soon-to-be man-slave.

So, sorry for the break from the Man-HatingTM you've all come to expect from me. I promise it will be back in full force shortly!

* I felt it was time for a post where I came out and admitted, for reals, how much I really, truly, deeply Hate MenTM. I realized that some of my posts might have been a little ambiguous on the whole Man-HatingTM thing. I mean, in some of my posts it actually looks like I favor rights for gay men, when clearly really I only say these things as a great big "fuck you" to ALL men. And in some of my posts it even looks like I get along with the ~~men~~ pigs in my family, which is total bullshit. The only reason I ever spend time with them is in the hopes that one day I'll have the chance to hurt them, deeply and permanently. Everyone knows I'm a big ol' Man-HaterTM with a capital F! As are all women with the gall to demand basic respect and equality.

** See? Feminists make jokes, too!

Gandalf the Black?

2007-03-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

As if we needed further proof that dogs freaking RULE.

He can't be serious

2007-03-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Now Senator Brownback is jumping on the gay-bashing bandwagon:

"I believe that homosexual acts between individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts. I do not believe the United States is well-served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way."

Hmmm.

OK to be immoral in any way.

Well, play along with me for a second here, Sammy.

You're a good Christian, right? Remember that part of the Bible where Jesus says that all the law and the prophets can be boiled down into two commandments: love God and love your neighbor? Remember? Let me help you out: it's right here.

I mean, I could be real nitpicky and point out that he doesn't say anything about who has sex with whom right there. But, hell. For shits and giggles let's pretend that Matthew was secretly gay so he left that part out (thank goodness our good buddy Saul/Paul came along, huh? You know, the one who was super good at just plain loving everyone).

Let's just focus on the horrible things our country is doing, hmm? I mean. America is so messed up. We've got these crazy laws like The First Amendment that let you do things like not love God and not love your neighbor.

Dude. We can't let this go on any longer. We need to defend morality in this Godless wasteland of a country!! Down with the First Amendment!!! Hell, down with all of them!!! We need to get this country back on track! No more of this personal space bullshit! The theocratic commune has to take hold, NOW. TODAY. We cannot tolerate immorality in our country any longer!

If we do, the terrorists have already won.

You ever read one of those news stories

2007-03-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

That kinda make you want to kill someone?

People who hurt animals are the lowest of the low. They're right down there with child rapists and child killers in my book. Anyone who would intentionally inflict harm on an innocent pet deserves far worse punishment than our system is comfortable doling out.

Shit like this makes me think the God of the Old Testament was onto something.

A wine-lover's worst nightmare

2007-03-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have lost my sense of smell.

I don't think it's permanent. I certainly hope it isn't. I'm on the tail end of probably the worst case of allergies I've ever had. Yesterday I noticed I couldn't smell anything. I mean ANYTHING. I sprayed on some perfume before going out and realized that I couldn't smell it. I couldn't figure out if it was the way I wanted to smell that day. I held the bottle to my nose, held my wrist to my nose. Nothing. I was driving past a McDonald's with a friend. "Man," he noted wistfully, "that smells REALLY good." I grimaced. "I can't smell a damn thing."

At church this morning, I think I could slightly, SLIGHTLY detect the scent of the incense. This must be a good sign. But even so -- this is pretty damned terrifying. I've spent the day experimenting with different smells. I even opened the dumpster outside my apartment and took a good long whiff. Jackshit nothing. Coffee? What a joke. Tequila? I wish. Mint? Nope. I can't even smell PEPPERMINT OIL. Not vinegar. Not Tabasco. At this point I'm simply hoping against hope that none of my food is spoiled, because if it is, I won't know until I get the joy of spending my night vomiting.

Dad has "prescribed" Claritin and a sinus rinse, which is about as enjoyable as it sounds. It involves squirting solution into one nostril and allowing it to come out through the other -- or in the case of one of my nostrils, which is apparently particularly stuffed up, out through the mouth. Yum!

Being the Type A obsessive anxiety-prone individual I am, I've scoured the internet for resources indicating what the hell is going on with my body and why. Since this appears to be triggered by allergies, there's a good chance it will simply clear up on its own in a few days. Other possibilities: permanent neurological damage of unknown causes, or cancer. And I won't know until this clears up, or I get a CAT scan.

Allergy shots are sounding more appealing by the second.

Because THAT'S what we need

2007-03-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

McDonald's has a new burger: the Third Pounder.

That's right. Their genius execucrats decided that too many people were starting to get healthy, dieting and exercising, and lowering their cholesterol, so they've unleashed obesity's latest weapon in the War On Humanity. The 740-calorie Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese apparently wasn't sufficiently artery-clogging.

This kinda makes me wanna run home and play DDR to flush the fat-karma from my brain. And yet I've got this stuck in my head:

Argh

2007-03-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

I hate having allergies. I feel sick but vitamin C, etc., will do me no good. I can't take antihistamines because I'll fall asleep (and I have waaay too much work to do). And I don't have time to go out and shop for an air filter.

Dammit dammit dammit.

My evil, evil brother

2007-03-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, he is so evil that he gets two "evil"s.

Damn him. He's gotten me hooked on another TV show, and he knows how I am when I get hooked on a TV show. In a previous life, I swear he was a drug pusher.

Now, I've heard lots of great things about Battlestar Galactica. Everyone who watches it says it's fantastic (which is rare for a Sci-Fi original. Nothing against the channel -- they show some of my favorite old TV shows and movies -- but their original content generally leaves much to be desired). Friends who know my tastes have urged me to watch it. But I rarely get into a show more than half a season after its premiere. I have enough commitments as it is (as you can see from my last post).

But that didn't deter my brother. Oh no. He took it upon himself to send me links to a website that had a cheap sale running on the DVDs (with free shipping!). And then he nagged me every day for a week to buy it. "LF," he intoned, "Have you bought BSG yet? It's SO GOOD. You HAVE to watch it."

So finally I caved, if only to get him to shut up about it. This past Thursday night, they arrived, and I happened to be on the phone with him when I got home and stumbled upon the package.

"Okay, I'm gonna let you go so you can watch," he said, "You have to watch the first episode tonight." He wouldn't let me off the phone until I promised to watch it.

Okay, first, as a warning to anyone who buys or rents these DVDs -- the first "episode" is longer than most movies (since the show started off as a miniseries, which my brother conveniently failed to mention). I got to sleep waaay too late, and didn't even finish it.

Second, watch this show at your peril. My entire weekend is gone. I watched the whole first season this weekend.

The entire first season.

Took up my whole damn weekend.

And now I've gone and shelled out more money for season 2, which is evilly broken up into two separate sets (capitalist bastards). I almost paid extra for expedited shipping, but I have a ton of work to catch up on now, since I barely got anything done all weekend. Since I spent it on my ass camped out in front of the stupid telly.

Evil, evil brother. He's done this before, too. He's the reason I've joined the ranks of Firefly mourners.

And anyone who is caught up on the show (Andy, this means you) had better not spoil it in the comments. I will be very unhappy and unpleasant.

I'm sorry, Lost... I've met someone else

2007-02-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, Lost. I still love you and I always will. You know that.

But there's someone else in my life now. Someone who really gets me. Someone who won't disappear for months at a time and then only turn my world upside down a little bit. I'm not saying the magic's gone. It's still there, but... my new show just blows my mind. Week after week. And I would be a fool to ignore that. I know we have a long history, and I respect that. I bet we could even work together. I really do. But I've gotta do what's right for me. So I'm moving on.

I totally still wanna hang out with you every Wednesday night. I'd miss Jack and Kate and Sawyer too much! And little Juliet sure is growing up fast.

But I have a new love now. Her name is Heroes. And we're really happy together. We're learning so much about each other, and it's amazing all the ways we're connected that we haven't even discovered yet. I'm so excited about this new adventure, and I hope that someday, and I know it will take time, but I hope someday you can be happy for us.

Love Always,
The Law Fairy

Excuse me sir, I think I smell my friend's beard

2007-02-21T22:24:00.000-08:00

I might be the only person who finds this funny, but I can laugh enough for all of us.

Bonus points if you can place the quote.

Update: Blogger, who SUCKS, apparently has issues with consistently showing YouTube videos properly embedded. Fuck you, Blogger.

Here's the link to the awesome vid if stupid Blogger is drawing you a blank.

Pet peeve of the day

2007-02-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

Godzilla sushi rolls.

I made up the term, but it's completely appropriate.

I don't know if this is a Japanese thing or an Americanization (read: embiggening) of one of the tastiest kinds of food around, but it's annoying.

Sushi rolls are plenty delicious with an amount of ingredients that can be rolled and cut into morsel-sized bits that can be devoured in one chomp. Why a roll needs a full inch of avocado and an inch and a half of cucumber, BEFORE FISH, I will never know.

But, look. If I'm unable to pick up a piece of sushi with my chopsticks, there's a problem. I shouldn't have to eat sushi with my hands. They have germs and stuff.

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T19:29:00.000-08:00

I had fucking JURY DUTY today. Everyone at the Los Angeles Superior Court (with the exception of one very patient and courteous bailiff in Department 55 of the criminal court downtown) is fucking RUDE and INCOMPETENT.

After wasting my entire goddamned day sitting in the jury assembly room (thank God I brought work, which I finished in about 3 hours and then sat around wishing I had a fucking computer), they finally called me to a courtroom at FOUR O'CLOCK PM. This is an asstastically stupid time to call a jury panel, as the court closes at 4:30. The idiot judge swears us in and tells us we have to come back tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. for jury selection. I hope maggots eat his toes. He did NOTHING productive by having us come in at 4:00. He could JUST AS EASILY have called a new jury panel tomorrow at 10:30 a.m.; the difference would be he would only waste ONE day of their time, whereas he is now wasting at least TWO of mine. For my trouble I will receive a grand total of fifteen fucking dollars. I make fifteen dollars in about as many minutes. This is bullshit. Next time I get called I'm seriously tempted to just pay the $1K fine (yes, $1K) and be done with it.

As a delicious irony, this being V-Day and all, it's a domestic violence case. Me being the unabashed radical feminist (not to mention, you know, attorney) that I am, you would hope that no one would want me on this jury (having an independent mind and all that). My mom and secretary both seem to think they're so desperate for people there's no guarantee I'll get off (what, they're desperate? When they pay people fifteen dollars for two days of jury service? How can this be?). Well fine then. The instant anything remotely sexist comes out of the mouth of the defendant, his attorney, or any of his witnesses, he's earned himself a prison sentence (short of a hung jury).

Also, I have plane tickets to Boston next Friday, and I'm taking that flight. So they'll either have to finish the trial before then, or they can wait until I'm back to get a verdict.

This is so fucking retarded. This is my VACATION time they are taking. I get ZERO billable credit for this. They are robbing my PERSONAL time. And the "payment" for service? Thanking us for "taking time out of [our] busy day[s]"? What a fucking insult. I'd rather they do us the dignity of just admitting that this is the ass-rape of voters that it is, and apologize for not having the intelligence to think up a more efficient system (say, one that doesn't make me waste an entire day before I'm even called, "just in case" they might randomly need me), and maybe flagellate themselves a little. Seriously, I'd much rather have that than some insulting $15 check.

Oh, also, Blogger forced me to switch to new Blogger today. Fuck you, Blogger. I prefer the old Blogger.

And now back to making up for all the work I had no time to get done today.

UPDATE: Yay for plea bargains!!

God, I feel dirty just saying that.

Cheyenne Elise, 1994-2007

2007-02-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

The awesomest Sheltie who ever lived died at about 11:45 Mountain Time this morning.

Mom says she went very peacefully. She was in pain all week, so they decided last night that they would take her in this morning. Mom says the vet was very kind and soothing -- Cheyenne didn't seem afraid or in any pain after she got the tranquilizer. She got some treats after the tranquilizer shot and then the vet gave her the injection. She relaxed and closed her eyes, and then she was gone.

I've known for a few months that this was coming. So why does it: 1) feel completely unreal, and I have to keep reminding myself that she's dead, for good, forever, I'm never, ever seeing her again; and 2) hurt so fucking much I wish I could chop off a toe so I could think about something else instead? At this rate I'm going to have to wear sunglasses to work for a year.

I've never lost a "real" pet before (not saying hamsters and rabbits aren't real -- but that just doesn't sting the way that losing someone you grew up with does), so I didn't realize until now just how acutely this sucks. Holy fuck did I make a mistake getting another one of these things. I hope I get hit by a bus before Cujo dies. Because I never wanna feel this bad again.

I really hope dogs go to heaven, or that there's a doggie heaven, or something. Cheyenne deserves to get to run around and play and not be in any pain anymore. And I hope to God I get to see her again.

Rest in peace, my sweet puppy.

Sketch show writers everywhere are weeping

2007-02-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

RIP, Mrs. Marshall.

We can all breathe easy now

2007-02-06T12:44:00.000-08:00

Ted Haggard is CURED!!!!

Now excuse me while I go vomit.

Congratulations, Osama!

2007-02-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

You've won.

Anyone know how long it takes to become a Canadian?

Examples and choices

2007-01-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

This story troubles me.

Apparently there's a new criminal penal statute in Florida making hazing a felony if it results in serious bodily injury. It's about damn time we stopped the cycle of abuse just so you can join an on-campus gang (frats may get more legitimacy -- but I'm not sure what else to call it when the initiated undergo a series of tasks that used to be silly and embarrassing, and have increasingly become physically harmful and psychologically damaging). I am all for holding fraternity members to account for abusing pledges for no other reason than that they can.

Similarly, I understand the judge's desire to make an example of some of the first people convicted under this new statute. I truly do.

But, frankly, I have to wonder about a conviction that results in two young black males going to prison for an admittedly unnecessarily lengthy period of time, for doing something white men have been doing for decades without punishment. I understand that ex post facto laws are unconstitutional, but let's look at some facts.

According to the 2000 census, 14% of college students were black, compared with the roughly 70% who were white. Florida A&M, the university in question, is the only historically black college in the state. Interstingly, white students are more likely to engage in the binge drinking which has served as the focal point for much of the concern revolving around fraternity initiation rites in the past several years. Indeed, the Florida statute in question was inspired by a drinking-related death in 2001.

To be clear, what those boys did to the victim was atrocious. It was vile and disgusting and, frankly, I can't say I'd be against simply banning fraternities outright to prevent this sort of behavior. Treating a fellow human being that way is, well, inhuman. What these boys did was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, and about five million more "wrong"s. They absolutely deserve to be punished.

But I'm troubled that Florida prosecutors and a Florida judge are deciding to make an example out of black students at a predominantly black university for problems that appear to largely stem from behavior more (statistically) commonly undertaken by whites. I would be very surprised indeed if there weren't white students engaging in behavior at least this bad. The difference, I suspect, is that those white students have rich white parents.

Happy belated birthday!

2007-01-24T17:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I inadvertently missed my blog's second birthday a few days ago. I blame work, which has been KE-razy.

Anyway, happy birthday, blog! Thanks for being so awesome!

UGH

2007-01-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

This pisses me off.

He'll probably tie up more of our courts' precious time suing me, and waste more of our media's resources calling me "fat" or "slutty" or something similarly mature and well-reasoned if he ever finds my blog, but I'll say it: DONALD TRUMP IS A PATHETIC WEASELLY DELUSIONAL LITTLE BOOGER OF A MAN. Donald, I don't even hate you. I just think so little of you I can barely even believe we're the same species.

The King of Idiots' latest addle-brained ploy is apparently to hang a flag on a flagpole that exceeds the height permitted by content-neutral regulations regarding the height of building structures. Including, you know, flagpoles. The city gave him notice that he was violating the regulations and graciously gave him a month and a half to take down the flag or seek a permit to keep it flying. Apparently this wasn't good enough for the little man-child. Here is an actual, honest-to-God quote from the article:

"The town council of Palm Beach should be ashamed of itself," Trump said Thursday in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. "They're fining me for putting up the American flag. This is probably a first in United States history."

Wow. Just. Wow.

This man is a billionaire? Seriously???

Fuck, if being this stupid makes you billions, then why did I waste all that time in law school, learning unimportant little things like the fact that content-neutral regulations on the size of public structures do not implicate the First Amendment? What a sucker I was! Here I could be wasting the country's resources by filing a twenty-five million dollar lawsuit because I didn't bother complying with perfectly legal and reasonable city ordinances. And running a overhyped network series, to boot.

My God. Did I just step into the Twilight Zone?

Say what you want to your boyfriends

2007-01-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

This is currently my favorite music video:

I heart Pink. She was on the radio this morning or yesterday morning (it all blends together into one insanely busy too-much-work-not-enough-time blur) and I learned that she proposed to her now-husband. Go Pink!

I would blog more, but back to work I must go :(

As promised

2007-01-11T07:25:00.000-08:00

A few pictures from Christmas.

First, Teh Swag.

This isn't quite everything, but it's my favorite part. Sister bought me a couple PS2 games, brother got me the Firefly and Brak DVDs, and mumsie (and Dad) got me Pirates, NWN2, and some Vickie's Secret perfume. Not shown: VS nightshirt, pretty sweater, jingle bell socks, calendar, candy, Starbucks gift card, a couple joke gifts, and mooolah. And, of course, my fab new camera, without which I could not have taken these photos. I love going home for Christmas. Sometimes it's fun to be treated like a kid, even if you're technically a "grown up" with a "full time job" and "bills."

Next, the sad. Probably the last picture ever of me and my sweet baby sheltie.

Finally, the sweet. Photos of the dog that isn't dying, and my beautiful Christmas tree. My Scrooge-tastic family doesn't do trees anymore, but at least I love Christmas enough to get one. Cujo liked to curl up under the Christmas tree and nap while I sat at the computer and worked. I tried to get a picture, but the damn dog is camera shy. I seriously can't get a good picture of him.

(If you look closely, you can see the part of the carpet he demolished a couple months ago.)

::smirk::

2007-01-10T11:35:00.000-08:00

I just can't help but laugh at this.

The masterful Stephen Colbert and his oafish muse, Bill O'Reilly, are appearing on each other's shows. Ohhhh, this is delicious.

I think this part is my favorite:

"I'm really looking forward to speaking to a man who owes his entire career to me," O'Reilly said.

::hooting laughter::

Yes, Bill, it has nothing to do with Stephen's remarkable talent of making fun of people to their faces with them not being a hundred percent sure he's doing it. Nope, it's all you, buddy. And don't you worry about that monster ego of yours getting crushed when the two of you go face-to-face. I have absolute confidence that you're oblivious enough that you won't even realize how brilliantly he's insulting you.

Oh man. I cannot wait to see Billy boy taken down a peg or seventy.

Who is this "smenita" person

2007-01-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

and why is her name the verification word for every comment I've posted today?

Seriously. Is she haunting anyone else?

Sad news

2007-01-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

Bernie Meltzer has died.

I never had a class with him, but from my limited encounters with him, I can say with authority that he was one of the nicest people at the Law School. No matter how gloomy a day you might be having, if you walked by him you couldn't help but smile. His incredible cheery attitude was infectious. Not content to merely project an aura of sunshine onto the Law School, he also kept himself in good shape at an age when most have long given up on their bodies. While we lazy law students opted for the library elevator to take us up three floors, Professor Meltzer always took the stairs. And sometimes he still managed to beat us. And, needless to say, he was an incredibly smart guy. Yet he was astonishingly humble, a quality even rarer in the law than in everyday life. I didn't know him very well, but the news of his passing makes me very sad.

Rest in peace, Professor Meltzer.

Oh fun

2007-01-03T22:05:00.000-08:00

I've been summoned for jury duty.

I get that it's my civic duty, etc., etc. But it's horrifically inconvenient. Don't they get how badly this will cut into my billable hours? It's too bad I can't be a juror on a client's case. I'd think they'd give at LEAST double billable credit for that.

Why did I never get jury duty when I wanted it, when I was in college and thought it would be cool experience for a future attorney? (Yes, I've known for a long time I was a weird kid.)

Seriously, what good will it do me now? It won't teach me a damn thing at this point. My first ever trial is scheduled for later this month (and I'm pretty psyched about it). Jury duty is set for the week of February 13. As in, after the trial's over.

It's like it was planned out to be as unuseful to me as possible. Stupid government.

Well, I could've told you that

2007-01-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

Apparently some Hall of Famer owes over a million in back taxes.

Come on, people. He has a handlebar moustache. Nothing screams "crook!" like a handlebar moustache.

Seriously, you'd think these people had never seen a movie made before, uh, 1930.

Oh brother

2006-12-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

I think that sums it up nicely.

While the thing about President Bush winning for villain and hero is interesting and all, that's not the part of this poll that gets my goat.

Here's what does: apparently people think that Britney and Paris are worse role models than Mel, and by a sizable margin.

Come again?

That's right. Heaven forbid our children DANCE and PARTY in their twenties! We'd much rather have them turn into curmudgeonly anti-semitic misogynists with an actual drinking problem.

And of course, this couldn't have anything AT ALL to do with the sexism and misogyny perpetuated by the likes of Joe Francis (see here and here for discussion of the disgusting manner in which these creeps prey on young women in order to maintain society's virgin/whore dichotomy by which women who express themselves sexually are deemed less than human and undeserving of basic human dignity). Nope, clearly it's because Britney and Paris are just worse people.

Um. Am I the only one who thinks God might be marginally more pissed about someone who hates His Chosen People than about someone who forgets her underwear?

Maybe that Al Gore fellow was onto something?*

2006-12-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

This is freakin' crazy.

As you know, last week gave me the joy of choosing between a 17-hour road trip and a flight that wouldn't get me home until Christmas Day (and knowing my brother and sister, the presents would already be opened by then). I opted for the miserably long and expensive drive and made it in safely on Friday afternoon, in spite of some wicked crazy snow drifts/flood-caliber puddles at the C-470/I-25 junction in south Denver.

This morning, my flight made it back to Los Angeles on time and I got to work by a respectable 9:30 a.m., after taxiing to Subaru to pick up Rudolfo, who spent the week in the shop, and driving home to drop off my luggage and pick up my secretary's (now-belated) Christmas gift.

Text messages from Mom reveal that December Blizzard #2 started picking up almost as soon as I landed safely at LAX. Visits to CNN.com confirm that my home state is being wracked with, not one, but two debilitating snowstorms in the course of a single week.

In fact, this makes Blizzard #3 for the current snow season in Colorado. My sister tells me the first one kept her locked up in the house with the roommates for a day of college-level boozing the likes of which probably would have landed me, aged as I've become in the past 16 months, in the hospital.

Oiy. When I lived there we got maybe one bad storm, every three or four years or so.

Coming soon: Christmas photos, courtesy of my awesome new camera (thanks, Dad!).

* To avoid the inevitable negative political reaction: it's a rhetorical statement, something of a joke. I'm not actually making a political statement with this post.

Well dammit.

2006-12-20T22:46:00.000-08:00

It's supposed to be a White Christmas, not a White Winter Solstice.

It appears I will be driving home tomorrow (in a one-way rental, which is extra money out of my pocket on top of the stupid $500 piece of shit flight that is now not taking off).

"Extremely upset" does not even begin to cover it. Add to my anguish the snottiest United rep I've ever had the misfortune of speaking with, informing me that no, I cannot get a refund for only the leg of my trip they've canceled (I have to cancel my flight back here, too), and you can imagine how my "vacation" is starting off.

In conclusion, United, I hope you have a shitty shitty Christmas and that Santa gives you smelly shit in your stocking.

Those of you who are the praying type, if you'd say a little prayer that I not crash and die on my cross-country journey, I'd really appreciate it.

Ciao!

Oh noes!!

2006-12-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

Work has blocked myspace.

DAMMIT.

It's not like I bill that time or something!!!

Urgh

2006-12-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

A friend's recent male-related troubles have given me pause and gotten me reflecting on my own recent issues.

Boy I Was Dating Last Year has recently started IMing me again. He did this once before but it quickly became apparent he was seeking sex, so I excused myself from the conversation and made it clear I had no interest in such advances. Recently he says he'd like to be friends, and he's not looking for anything more.

For some inexplicable reason, I want to try to be friends with him if I can. I don't really know why... looking back on our "relationship" I actually think I don't like him too very much anyway. He's vaguely sexist (as most men are -- no offense guys, but you just are. Those of you who at least try to work on it get minor kudos). He's lazy. He has a weird laugh. He's a little deluded/full of himself (which, in fairness, you kind of have to be if you're a struggling "actor"). And on more than one occasion while we were dating, he disrespected my religious beliefs. Frankly, I should have dumped him long before I did. But, I guess we all do stupid things when we're dating. I imagine my desire to be friends with him stems from the fact that it's a challenge. The closest I've come to being friends with an "ex" is being vaguely friendly with a guy I went on about two or three dates with in law school. So it very well could be that I just want to prove to myself that I Can Do It. But I can't help but begin to think that this guy might be the wrong one to attempt this with.

Anyway, I agreed that this weekend we could meet for coffee. He suggested watching the football game together (he remembered my favorite team... this worries me). I said no, we would stick with coffee.

I asked if he still had my number and he said he didn't. Another red flag... it means either he was hurt when we broke up (which leads to a complicated post-relationship-friendship), or he's lying (which is bad for obvious reasons).

The hattrick? As he was signing off of IM, he said "bye bye sugar pie." I quickly responded with a "???" and rather than answer, he signed off.

Ohhhh, this was not a good idea.

He called yesterday afternoon while I was in an exhausted stupor from throwing a party the night before and cleaning up afterwards, which is no simple task. I was awake enough to answer the phone, but I knew it was him and opted not to. He, quick on his feet, left a message saying he could no longer do coffee that day because he had suddenly gotten busy, but I should call him back if I wanted to meet up with him before I left for Christmas vacation.

All signs point to "don't speak to him again." I don't want to be a bitch, but... I don't want to be an idiot, either. It's obvious he doesn't want to be my friend. Frankly, I'm not sure if I want to be his, either. But I know I definitely don't want to be anything else to him.

Sigh... I really really wish girls weren't socialized to be so damn nice. If we weren't, this really would not be a difficult situation for me At All.

What are you doing New Year's Eve?

2006-12-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

My last couple New Year's Eves have sucked.

Last year, I sat around at home and drank champagne alone. I was even dating someone at the time, but he was out of town. That's seriously about as lame as lame gets.

The year before, I went to an awesomely fantabulous party at the Drake Hotel in Chicago. I wore a fancy dress and looked like a movie star. I flirted and drank and danced and by all accounts appeared to have a great time... but I was absolutely miserable. At the time I was still hung up on McDreamy and, as I've said before, those McDreamys can Fuck You Up.

The year before that, I was in Atlanta with my then-boyfriend. I enjoyed it at the time but now it's tainted by the later-acquired knowledge that, by then, he was already considering breaking up with me.

Anyway, I want to finally have a cool New Year's Eve again. I'm leaning toward flying to San Francisco for a few days. I have a friend or two up there but I don't want to monopolize their time (you know, "hey, it's me! Drop all your plans and hang out with me!" Not cool). SO I'll open up the invitation to my blog friends: anyone interested in chilling with me in San Fran over New Year's Eve? If you're in the LA area, last I checked, Southwest had roundtrip tickets to Oakland for around $125.

Whaddya say? I'm a pretty cool person to hang out with, and I used to be a pretty good partier, back before I started working and got old...

Why...

2006-12-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

Do I feel like I'm so very busy and so very stressed out when in fact, if anything, this week I've billed *less* hours than I usually do, and have been *way* less productive?

I bet it's because I'm working on a freaking legal memo. Legal memos are like my kryptonite. At least since my Evil Legal Writing instructor (she's somehow related to Satan) absolutely ruined any desire whatsoever that I ever may have had to do legal writing.

Seriously, this is like the first "serious" memo I've had to write since I started working here almost a year and a half ago... I've had a couple other formal memos but they've been... I dunno... less formal somehow?

I feel like I'm in legal writing class all over again. And I fucking HATED that class.

Gah

2006-12-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

This will probably make me sound like a broken record, but this is still really bothering me.

Why won't people just take some damned responsibility for what they say? Look, Michael, if you say "it wasn't racist, I was just mad," you're making excuses. You're essentially saying, "look, what I did wasn't that bad."

It was that bad, Michael. And I hope that the men you insulted with your hate speech take you to task for it. Own the fuck up. Admit that what you did was wrong, that it means you have a problem, and for the love of God, start working on your problem.

I am so sick of people pretending that they're "apologizing" when their apology consists of saying "I wasn't really wrong, but I'm sorry you took it the wrong way." That's not an apology. That's another insult.

More Dog Drama

2006-11-28T11:24:00.000-08:00

This time with my dog back home.

She's had kidney failure and some other problems the past few months, but antibiotics have been helping. Still, some of her tests were a little worrisome, so Mom took her in for an ultrasound this morning.

Turns out it's a cancerous tumor, and it's inoperable.

They're going to put her on medication that has a 40% chance of helping. If it helps, she might make it for another six months.

I kind of don't feel like working today. Or, you know, doing anything.

Today's reason to be thankful

2006-11-21T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have probably the best landlord in Los Angeles. He wasn't mad at all about Cujo's accident (for which I still blame Bruce Willis) and in fact wanted to make sure that I wasn't leaving town for vacation feeling worried or stressed out -- he said he'd take a look at it while I was gone and we could figure it out later.

It's a crazy world when you love your landlord and can't stand your downstairs neighbor.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving! I have my boarding pass (and seat assignment!!) in hand, so barring another Die Hard incident on the freeway tomorrow, by noonish I will be back home in good ol' Colorado.

Oh no he didn't

2006-11-20T17:40:00.000-08:00

Well, apparently even here in good ol' progressive La-la Land, our national version of royalty is just full of backwards and offensive ideas. First Mel Gibson, now even B-list has-beens? I hope this doesn't become a trend. Racism is never cool, and I hate to think it's going to start becoming fashionable as more and more celebrities say things they pretend they didn't mean.

I'm only racist in the sense that everyone raised in the U.S. is racist. That is to say, I'm aware that I have certain perceptions and viewpoints that I only have by virtue of the fact that I'm white, and that these views sometimes end up oppressing minorities, and for this reason I do what I can to lessen the effects of my prejudices. I'm a work in progress, but I'm not an active racist. So I guess I'd say I'm a recovering racist, which is about the best any of us can say for ourselves. As someone who recognizes her own prejudices and biases, I also have certain mental "walls" built that block me from saying and doing certain things. For example, I have trained myself to the point where I'm virtually physically incapable of uttering the "n"-word. I have used the "f"-word in front of my 80-year-old grandmother, but I can't say the "n"-word under any circumstances. Just can't do it. No matter who I'm around, how much I've been drinking it simply does not happen.

I am not some amazing disciplinarian. I'm lucky to get my apartment cleaned once a month. I only make it to the gym because my membership and trainers cost an obscene amount of money. Most of my free time I spending plopping my lazy ass in front of the TV. Thus, if I can keep myself from spouting off racist bullshit, anyone can do it.

This includes you, Mel Gibson. This includes you, Michael Richards.

And while we're at it, I will just note that I am still pissed that no one seems to care that good ol' Mel, in the midst of his racist tirade, apparently made some pretty misogynist statements too (I mean, maybe this is just me, but I'd never call anyone I respected "sugar tits." Unless, I guess, his tits were really sugary).

But I guess we're not as horrified by misogyny.

Stupid America.

Bruce Willis owes me 120 bucks, a new carpet, and therapy for my dog

2006-11-20T15:21:00.000-08:00

I hope you're paying attention, Bruce.

Why? Let me start at the beginning.

Two weeks ago I adopted the sweetest little puppy in California. He's some kind of mutt (likely a dachsund/corgi mix with probably something else in there too -- maybe chihuahua, since he's pretty small?) and has a beautiful short black coat. He has this precious little underbite and the sweetest personality. He follows me around everywhere I go and he loves to snuggle. I've named him Cujo.

Now, Cujo did not come to me straight from his mom and dad. Rather, a woman found him wandering the street and brought him to someone who tries to find homes for rescued dogs. I cannot fathom why someone would abandon little Cujo, but they did, and frankly, I'm the luckier for it.

As a result of this, though, Cujo has some separation anxiety. He's generally done well while I'm gone -- he'll whine at the door for a few minutes and then just sleep until I get home (at least, as far as I can tell). I've left him for up to four hours and he's been fine -- no chewing, no accidents in the apartment, etc.

Saturday night my friend had a party to celebrate passing the bar (congrats Andrew!!), and he lives down in Irvine. I headed to the party, thinking I'd hang out for a few hours, probably three at the most, and then head home -- so with driving time of roughly 45 minutes each way factored in, that would put me at about 4 and a half hours, and I knew Cujo could handle that.

And I imagine he would have, had Bruce Willis not SHUT DOWN THE FUCKING 405 TO FILM HIS STUPID MOVIE. The article linked to doesn't specifically say that he's shutting down the 405, but I can't imagine why else they were siphoning off every single car near the airport, even though all four lanes of traffic were completely clear of any accidents, construction, or other *real* reasons to close the busiest freeway in Southern California.

It literally took 45 minutes to move a single half mile. One fucking half mile.

By the time I got home, poor Cujo had had a panic attack. I'd been gone for nearly six hours. He was probably worried he'd never see me again. The POOR BABY. It's going to take forever now to train him out of his separation anxiety.

And as if that wasn't enough, Cujo tore up the carpet next to my door. Literally pulled the carpet away from the floor and chewed it up. I don't think it will cost much more than a hundred bucks or so to replace (once I work up the courage to call my landlord and tell him what happened), but still, it's gonna be a pain in the butt to deal with.

And for the time being, I've bought a kennel to crate him in while I'm gone so that he can't cause any more damage (I've also heard that smaller dogs sometimes prefer closed-in spaces, because they make them feel safe and protected). He hung out in there for a bit last night and seems to like it pretty well, so hopefully this will kill two birds with one stone -- his separation anxiety and my worry of having to replace everything in the apartment. But the damn kennel cost 120 bucks. Jeesh, I seem to remember those things being lots cheaper when my parents got one for my dog back home.

So anyway. None of this would have happened if it weren't for you, Bruce Willis. So pay up.

Shout out to my California peeps!

2006-11-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note to wish well those of you spending your day feeling sick as you count down to 6:00 p.m., when California releases the results of the July 2006 bar exam (the last state to release results, cruel despots that the California bar examiners are).

I truly hope that all you deserving folks out there pass. Best of luck! And, either way, I also hope that the people with whom you'll spend Thanksgiving are as helpful as my mom when it comes to celebrating a victory, or drowning your sorrows in drink.

Toldja

2006-11-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

As I said, the joke's on us:

"The joke is not on Kazakhstan," he said. "I think the joke is on people who can believe that the Kazakhstan that I describe can exist -- who believe that there's a country where homosexuals wear blue hats and the women live in cages and they drink fermented horse urine."

Trolls

2006-11-15T11:49:00.000-08:00

I can never quite decide if it's smarter to just ignore them, or to argue with them. I mean, obviously logic and reasonable arguments won't change their minds, small and closed as they are, but on the other hand, I love arguing SO MUCH. I guess it does kind of make me a bully, though, if I pick on an inferior intellect. Dammit. Sometimes your brain is tired and you just want an easy target, ya know?

Me as a nerdy feminist

2006-11-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

My brother is a real weirdo. He has the world's strangest sense of humor, which (since we grew up together) somehow always manages to get me laughing. He's probably the only person in the world who can consistently make me laugh, and probably with something that would only make anyone else scratch his/her head and say "whaaa-?"

Anyway. My brother and I also share a love of nerdy videogames. He's better at them but in fairness he has more free time than I do. I'm still on the first Final Fantasy X. I mentioned to him that the final battle was taking me forever to get through and said that when I was finally done I'd play FFX-2. He said he recommended that I skip it; it was an "ok" game but not very empowering for women.

Intrigued, I asked him why.

He explained that the game, which features no playable male characters, is overly concerned with things like singing and costumes.

I just love how my brother gets why that's offensive. I like to think I had something to do with the fact that he's a Very Smart Male :D

Interesting

2006-11-10T14:59:00.000-08:00

Even more controversy about Borat (which I'm seeing tonight, and I can't wait!). A couple of fraternity members are suing and claiming that they were misled and intoxicated by the producers, and that they did not agree to allow footage of them to appear in the movie.

What's interesting to me is that I suspect these, er, young men, are members of precisely the demographic that purchases the lion's share of Girls Gone Wild videos (and thus, statistically speaking, likely purchasers of the videos themselves), which have been subject to similar allegations of dishonesty and unfair manipulation of the women who appear in them (not to mention rape). The difference here is that these men were simply invited to share their thoughts, whereas the women are cajoled into removing their clothing and more. Which do you find more demeaning?

An optimistic part of me hopes that maybe having the camera turned around to the other side might give these men pause the next time they think of purchasing products that harm women in much the same way (I'd argue worse) they believe they've been harmed. But, given the comments they apparently made on camera (their Mel Gibson defense notwithstanding), I kind of doubt it.

Anyway, I'm psyched about seeing the movie! And also proud of myself that I'm able to turn just about anything into a feminist issue ;)

I'm Feeling Metaphorical

2006-11-09T17:27:00.000-08:00

I have an albatross hanging around my neck.

And it's really making me tired.

And giving me a crick.

Happy Election Day!

2006-11-07T15:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, I tried to embed a video but blogger is Satan and it's not working for some reason.

Anyway, remember to vote. Vote for yourself, write-in, if you have to, but vote!

What's my motherfuckin' name?

2006-11-06T14:59:00.000-08:00

Snoop Dogg has been arrested for allegedly carrying a collapsible baton onto an airplane, and faces up to three years in prison.

I think it's safe to say we all knew this was going to happen. Snoop Dogg is going to federal prison for carrying a baton.

Yep. I've always known that's why he'd go to prison.

I'm torn

2006-11-03T15:47:00.000-08:00

At first, I thought, this just sounds wrong. I really, really hate the notion that you can be fired for saying "the wrong thing."

And don't get me wrong -- what he said was ugly, offensive, and juvenile. But isn't that exactly what made creeps like Howard Stern filthy rich (and here I mean filthy in the absolute worst possible sense of the word)? Make no mistake -- I despise Howard Stern with every ounce of my being that isn't busy despising other anti-woman cretins like Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt, and the like. This DePetro guy doesn't sound like much of a heavyweight in the brains department either. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't get to speak his mind.

But then I thought, actually, when you're talking about a radio talk show host, maybe he shouldn't. When you get to broadcast your thoughts to the public, maybe you really just shouldn't be making juvenile remarks. This isn't the same as my boss firing me for saying something pro-woman or pro-Christian or pro-whatever. This is like my boss firing me for saying to a newspaper reporter, "I'm an attorney for ____ and I think bald CEOs are retarded!" This isn't a political statement, this is a juvenile insult broadcast to thousands. So maybe this isn't a free speech issue.

But then I thought further and I realized that it's all boiling down to money, as everything in corporate America does (yech). Howard "Assface" Stern is still on the air because he makes the station money. I guess this guy's station figured he would cost them money because of his statement. In way, I suppose that's a good thing -- the type of people who would be offended by the phrase "fat lesbian" to describe the woman in question have enough monetary power to "matter" to the station. But I'm still really disillusioned by the fact that in America, nothing matters until it moves money.

Nothing against capitalism in general, but I think capitalism without morals is doomed. At least, I certainly hope it is.

Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted...

2006-11-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

It's always a little surreal when my hometown makes the national headlines.

This sounds familiar

2006-10-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

Another Thanksgiving and I'm once again without a seat assignment thanks to the steaming load of administrative idiocy and greed that is United Airlines.

I have a kickass aunt and uncle who also happen to be pretty wealthy. Uncle travels lots and both are premier elite etc. etc. favorite flyers of United. So Uncle very kindly asks at the airport today if he can get me a seat assignment for my flight home for Thanksgiving (the tickets for which I purchased about two months ago) and the United losers tell him since I'm not premier I can't get an assignment until 24 hours before my flight. Apparently they don't care that *he* is a premier member (and, frankly, this should not matter. Rich people are not the only ones who deserve to get seats they have already paid for). GRRRRR.

This is so fucked up. I paid four hundred fucking dollars for this stupid flight (the flight is less than a thousand miles and, again, was purchased WAAAAAAAY in advance). I better get to actually go home for T-giving, or heads will roll. Roll, I say!!!

Sigh...

2006-10-25T16:38:00.000-07:00

I simply was not built for law firm politics.

I am slowly and painfully learning this.

Yay for New Jersey!

2006-10-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

I really hope my state's supremes follow suit soon.

Did somebody reset the internet?

2006-10-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Because either that, or all the blogs on my blogroll just happened to update at 3:19 this morning. Which I doubt, especially considering it needs pruning (i.e., I still link to defunct blogs). And it's not just blogger either, since I link to non-blogger blogs.

Here's how Americans are stupid

2006-10-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

Americans apparently are finally catching on to the fact that power corrupts, and that Congresspersons are no exception. Wow, aren't we brilliant. (As an aside: only half???)

In the same article linked above, Americans also think, apparently, that electronic voting is going to lead to inaccurate results. Excuse me?

Here you have polls showing, within paragraphs of each other, both that 1) Americans believe (correctly) in the existence of severe human error when it comes to politics, and that 2) these same Americans apparently would rather have fallible, butterfingered, eyesight-challenged, tired humans counting their votes than efficient, objective, morally incorruptible machines. Um?

This is why I don't like people.

I hear the tips there are shitty, too

2006-10-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I think about this one. Chris Rock's mom walks into a Cracker Barrel and doesn't get service for like half an hour. Now, I will say that *if* this was the result of racial discrimination Cracker Barrel better be ready to pay up, and substantially (although frankly I wish it could go to someone other than Chris Rock's mom. Like maybe someone whose son isn't a multi-gajillionaire stand-up comedian who could easily spare a buck or two for good ol' Mom every now and then...).

But from the facts we have here... I don't see it. Maybe she has a good argument that this portion of South Carolina is racist, as evidenced by the fact that there apparently aren't very many black people there, but that doesn't mean Cracker Barrel itself is racist.

But, I mean. I've been ignored many many times when I go to a restaurant. Usually if it's taking too long, unless I'm drunk or lazy or bored I'll get up and leave well before it's been a half an hour. I'm not sure why she decided to stay so long; I guess she really likes the Cracker Barrel, which may well be reason to question her thinking in the first place....

Waiting forever at a table could be the result of lots of things -- maybe the restaurant is crazy busy. Maybe the server is crappy. Maybe the host/ess is retarded and didn't bother telling the server there were people at one of his/her tables. None of this translates into racism. It's just part and parcel of running a less-than-stellar restaurant operation, which is precisely what Cracker Barrel does.

And come to think of it, why is Chris Rock's mom eating at Cracker Barrel and not the Ritz-Carlton? Chris, you selfish bastard. Do you know how many hours she was in labor just so you could take your first breath and then exhale it with your first four-letter word?